oh heck! you know its times like today i find it very hard to beleive he is trying...he can be so cold...so mean...and i just have trouble dealing with it...i try to stay stong but all in all i am me and it just tears me apart..
i dont feel impotant to him...its a dictatorship...not a marriage..he wants things to be how he wants them..and as long as they go his way they he is happy...
was i wrong...is that how marriage is? i dont think i signed up for that kind of marriage i wanted an equal partnership...or does that not exist anymore?

i suppose i was just emotional and upset the other day...although i did see things that way...maybe we can work things out and be truly happy..maybe..i like to hope that i never made a mistake that i never married the wrong person..
im a firm beleiver that things happen for a reason..all i want is to be happy..

my thoughts,feelings, and heartache

I decided that i use to keep a online blog and it use to really help me with my thoughts and feeling so i decided now was the time to start again and maybe all my difficult feelings and my hard time will pass again..
than again maybe it will just give me an outlet to vent and not have to bother my friends anymore...
where to start...thats a hard question...hmmm im gonna start back to mid college years...i really went a little wild in college..i felt invinsable...nothing could get me down..all i wanted was to be happy and fall in love and get married and have kiddos...that happily ever after you know? so every guy i dated..i would think oh man he is the one! eventhough i didnt really think through what my life would be with that person for the rest of my life..i had some serious bf...my first bf was my first love, he taught me what it was to be in a good realationship...he was the most romantic guy out of all of them...and most importantly he liked hanging out with me and made me feel loved...eventhough it was hard getting over my first i did find someone else who i loved for differnt reasons he taught me that good relationships start out as friends...he was my best friend for a yr before we started seein eachother, he also taught me that real relationships have troubles.. my third also started of as a friends but he was the "bad guy" and the one who intrigued me the most..he always did hae a way about making me feel loved and special. i had guys who i had dated that i will never forget just because they were special even if i never was in love with them. so obviously by this point i realized one thing if i could find myself loving these guys than my thought on a one "true Love" wasnt neccerialy real...i beleive there is someone out there for everyone and some people just have to go through several to find their one. neways back to my story so i hit rock bottom...i was an utter and complete mess...so i decided to pack up and move back to my home town...sometime i think that inital move was the biggest mistake of my life..i was following this thought of someone who never even wanted me in the first place...than the one i left behind really did love me he was just too chicken to say anything...so i moved and eventually i met a guy who at the time i was sure i didnt like and besides i had moved to get my life straight to find me again...but of course i ended up goin out with this guy and before i knew it we were engaged to be married...life was great!!  and the guy who didnt speak up for me before soon realized he had loved me all along..but it was too late bc i had finally found the one....my true love...or so i thought...soon the honey moon staged ended and i found myself married with kids to someone i didnt even know...sometimes i think i rushed things..i dont think...i did we are so copletly differnt..sometimes he acts like he loves me and sometimes he acts like he has this complete hatered for me...
 i find myself wondering what marriage truly is suppose to be... bc its got to be better than fighting...and mean words, and feeling so helpless, and tired...i wish it was this wonderful feeling...that feeling i had in the begining..that love i felt...i dont feel that anymore when he looks at me i see disqust and anger...the thing is i dont even know how to make it better bc the thing he wants changed is the way i am...everything about me